My name is Nor Suryati Adnan. Believe it or not, I am nineteen years old. Moreover, yes, I somehow feel like I am out of place amongst my classmates. Perhaps because I am the oldest. Also, I kind of regret not enrolling into a polytechnic initially. Realising that I had wasted two years of my life in a Junior College, I decided to change my course of study. However, I am not going to be disheartened forever, instead, I will work harder in order to prove my worth of staying in the current course.
At present, I have never knew that my life is worth observing and watching by others around me. My life now is definitely a television drama, more or less. I have to admit though, life is definitely not as complicated as stereotypically defined as humans. But, it is our own faults who tend to make our lives pretty much haywire. Indeed, I am one of the guilty ones. Why?
Problems. As contradicting as I can get, I still could not understand why life seems so unfair, miserable and no offense, sucky. In my perspective, as an individual gets older, there should absolutely be lesser problems and he or she should be more sensible. Furthermore, one should be more matured, in one way or another, in the way he or she behaves as well as his or her mindset. Well, I was totally wrong. Again, I was taken aback by own wrong perception, as always that is.
Be it relationship problems with friends, family or problems with own self, every human being goes through the same thing every single day. What set us apart from the rest would be the different situation we are each in and how we face all the problems.
Me? Yes, I have plenty of problems. Problems which I cause upon myself and also those which others had caused me. Read on and you know what I mean.
Friends. What finely separates the difference between normal friends, just friends, best friends and close friends? This question has been bothering me all this while. I probably have some answers, but really, they do not really make sense to me even. Close friends would mean you are able to share everything under the sun with people. Best friends would mean you are able to keep secrets, share anything and everything with people, right? Anyway, that is like pretty much the same isnt it? So it is more or less defeating the purpose of defining what each of them means. On the contrary, all of us have some stuff that we can never tell others. Be it the bloody pasts from our childhood, bad experiences, things that left us being traumatised, the real side of us or practically, just stuff. So, does that mean we still regard our friends as close or best despite all these secrets we’re hiding from them? Why all these contradictions right?
Sometimes I wonder, why must friends go through thick and thin together. What I really mean is that – is having a large group of friends equals to more problems, hatred, backstabbing, rumour-spreadings & gossips going on behind everybody’s backs? Undeniably, I am guilty of doing this too. I have never knew that my life now is like a television show drama and a comedy. How entertaining can my life be anyway? Due to only a minor problem, the situation can get into a quite major thing. There are alot of complications going on presently. What really makes me frustrated is that, more people wanting to know what really happened, and more individuals already knowing what happened between all of us. Everyone loves playing the blame game. However, why am I always to be blamed for everything, especially because of the misunderstandings between friends? They probably want to see me fall, not realising that they are the ones that are at the losing end right now.
Family. I tend to avoid being at home almost every single day. And yes, problems. But, more complicated than the problems I am having with my so-called peers. I still cannot move on. All that I am doig now is just putting on a strong front and forcing myself to forget about it, as reluctantly as I can. How traumatised one would be when one experiences something bad? Something that one would be hit without one expecting it to happen? Something that one would be hit due to the slightest mistake one had made? What if the traumatising incident leaves one to live in fear? What if one had to live in fear even in one’s own house? What if the traumatising incident keeps haunting one? Maybe I am overly exaggerating what had happened and how I am feeling aftermath. But, I really cannot face face them anymore, especially him. About her, I will not forgive her for whatever had happened.
Seriously, nobody knows the real me. Even I do not even know who exactly I am. Maybe I portray myself differently when I am with people and when I am at home. I have no idea why I have to be like this. Now, I feel that I am completely a different person. How do you know that you have change? Do experiences that affect you play a part in how how you might have changed all these years? Or some other possibilities? I do not even know if I have really changed or otherwise. I do not even know how much I have changed, how might I have changed and why I have changed. Change? For the better or for the worst? Probably you guys do not even know the answers yourselves. Maybe we just let it be this way.
I am stubborn. I prefer breaking all the rules. Conformity to the society is so not me. I am too extremely observant of my surroundings that I can leave anyone dumbfounded. I only listen to whatever advice which I feel is relevant. There are alot of angst, resentment, unhappiness and regret inside of me. Stop continuously nag at or to me if you do not wanna be ignored for the rest of your life. Do not tell or force me to change. Adjust your life to accommodate to mine. I am absolutely frank with my actions and words. I will scream profanities at or to you if you are a constant annoyance in my life. I totally against the idea of searching for self – identity. I am not a bootlicker just to strive to the top. Invasion to my privacy will cause you to suffer. Superficiality towards those whom I despise. I am not an easily forgiving person. I absolutely believe in karma. My favourite hobby is putting on a facade in front of everybody else. Finally figured out that I am exactly not who I am supposed to be?
Trust. I urged everyone not to trust me anymore. Please. I am just not the right person that u can rely on. I have truly learnt bout my limitations and weaknesses from the beginning of this year and not going to repeat the same mistakes anymore. I am completely a different person right now. I do not even know who am I right now. I dare not to trust anyone too right now.
Words. Such powerful tool. People can be so manipulative with their words, twisting every single word, resulting in variations of stories just for one incident, in the end, being very influential on oblivious people.
Expectations. Everyone expects something from everyone else. Why? What is so good about expecting stuff from others? Be it good results, good life, good relationships and so on and so forth. Why? Why can’t all of us be contented and grateful for what we have? Everything has limitations. There is only so much all of us can do to make our lives better. So why must we do things to make others happy? Why cant we do things that will bring benefits to only ourselves & no one else? What is so good about fulfilling other people’s dreams and all you do is sulking, do things half-heartedly & in the end? Nothing good comes out from it. Everyone has choices. The main question is – will we ever make a good choice so that there’s no regret in the end or otherwise? We have a thing call the brain. So, use it and decide what you want in life. Decide for something that will not destroy your future entirely. Everyone has dreams. Regardless of how realistic or extremely far-fetched that dream is all about, what matters is that we strive to get what we want to achieve. Follow your heart, decide, follow your own instincts. Do not ever let others plan your life. You will just suffer badly.
At present, I am happy with my life. I am learning to move on. Also, I am starting to treasure the friends that I have now. Trust. I am trying my best to gain back the trust I have lost from the company that I have currently. I am able to see the big picture, observing what is going on and realise the strengths as well as weaknesses of almost everyone.
