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I had been extremely, terribly and horribly hyperactive for the past week. Now, everyone knows that I am a crazy person. Not that they do not know all this while, but my true colours are shining through bit by bit, every single day.

My friends just cannot stop laughing at me and with me. They will continue laughing if I do not take the initiative to stop first. Not only that, all of them said practically the same thing – “You are such a good friend.”

Seriously, I do not know if I should be thankful (which I certainly am) with that comment or otherwise. Thank you very much you guys. But, I do not think that I deserve such recognition. Because I do not think I am at that standard of being a good friend yet. Moreover, I hardly take compliments that others give me. I am a pessimistic person, thus, I always put myself down. So, those compliments only fall on my deaf ears. So much so, whatever it is, I greatly appreciate all of your praises, compliments and how much you guys cherish the friendship that me and you all forge. Thanks once again. No promises, but I will try to change my perceptions.

On a lighter note, I think nobody should ever bring me to watch any type of movie. I just wasted money watching Monsters vs. Aliens with my bandmates. All of them find it enjoyable and funny. However, I do not understand the whole story plot. I have no idea why, call me dumb or dumb, I have not been understanding the story plots for quite a few movies already.

Perhaps, I prefer watching musicals and broadway style of movies and performances. Where artistic and exaggerating story plots and body movements being involved, I would be truly interested in (e.g. Hairspray, Take The Lead and King Lear play). Well, the movie that I am certainly looking forward to is Fame the musical, which will be out soon in few months’ time.

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I thought that I can move on. Putting what had been haunting me behind, appreciating who I am with right now and being greatly preoccupied with school n stuff, well, I am perfectly lying to myself. Yes, once again.

It is definitely easy to lie to others, let alone to yourself. People around me will be able to see me as the crazy, easy-going, carefree, always there to provide advices and cheerful individual. However, underneath all the facade, that is the real me. The pessimistic, hopeless, easily giving up on anything and everything as well as the crybaby person.

The incident haunts me again yesterday. Thinking about it all over again makes me wanting to breakdown once again. The control of emotions is extremely tedious and too much to handle. Confiding in one of my close friends, I was told time and time again to just forget about it. He really gives me thoughtful advices. But, I somehow do not know how to overcome the problem. I do not think I ever will move on. I can only put on a mask and make others happy with my crazy reactions, personality and laughter.

As fake as I may seem, perhaps this is the only solution.

Enough said about this, I am really glad that I have resolve the misunderstanding between me and my one and only close and best friend. I definitely feel lost without having to confide in him during this period of time. It seriously has been a long time since we have talked. The misunderstanding lies with me. Because I am too problematic and tend to be so withdrawn till I mix with those I have never mix with before.

It is not until yesterday that I SMSed my best friend. Both of us cried, funny though because we always practically end up doing the same things together. There are so many things that we want to tell each other. I really miss him, and him thinking that I am absolutely happy hanging out with the new clique, it makes me even more guilty. In my entire life, I realised that my best friend is someone that I appreciate alot with my heart and soul, my father being the first. And both of us can never quarrel over a long duration of time.

I have lost a best friend once, and I will never lose another one. This current best friend is a different person I am talking about. Thinking about my ex-best friend only makes my heart aches. As wrong as this might sounds, from the bottom of my heart and with lots of sincerity, I love you best friend.

The weekends were spent hanging out with friends till late at night. Oh my god they are sure a bunch of excellent stress-relievers. Okay. It is not exactly going home late at night. At least pretty early as compared to last time, but still late. All right, you know what I mean. Anyway, thank you so much to all of you.

I did not attend the band practice on Saturday. I ended up completing my design assignment. Spent six freaking hours to finish it. But, the time spent is quite worthwhile. My shadings are pretty horrible though. There is still alot of room for improvements. And six freaking hours? My bad for being an extreme perfectionist.

Met the bandmates at NP. Played soccer in the bandroom. Then, waited for 1 hour or so to decide the venue to watch the movie. All 12 of us watched Angels & Demons. It is definitely a good movie. But, I don’t really understand the story plot from the beginning. Okay, time for me to read up on history. I love history. Not just in any form of history. But based on politicians and the two world wars. And not forgetting, watching Okto’s FilmArt. But hardly watch nowadays. Heh.

Sunday was spent heading down to the Botanic Gardens. I was pretty indecisive even on the day itself. Supposedly watching a band performance featuring Philyouth and the SSO. After much “deliberations” with one of my friends, I decided to go anyway. The rest meet up at 2pm. I met them at 4.30pm. The performances are pretty all right. In the evening, 16 of us ate at Long John’s Silvers. That is where the fun begins.

We crack jokes and laugh non-stop. But, it is more like I’m cracking all the jokes and being a laughing machine. At that moment onwards, I feel like I’m becoming a freak show. Even the public started to stare at me. Oh god. A warning to anyone and everyone. Do not ever crack me up and make me laugh. Even if it is only abit. You guys will suffer. In a good way, but do not even try to do it.

Oky. That’s about it. I know my entry is boring, just like the others. But, it is better to divert once in a while instead from unleashing my emo side all the time.

On a lighter note, or not, I am absolutely disgusted with backstabbers and hypocrites. They love portraying that they are a group of “happening” individuals towards other people. But then again, they are in personal conflicts themselves. How cool are they huh? The fact that they are constantly in my face all the tme, I really have no idea what message they want to convey, who would not be annoyed right?

Woah. I think everyone and anyone can just die by the time they finish reading my blog. Seriously. I have no idea why the outcomes of all my blog entries are like this. Perhaps it is how I pour out my heart and soul non-verbally. But then again, not everyone pour out their feelings too emotionally through blogs. Well, believe me on that, or not.

Like I read my friends’ blogs everyday (call me no life, whatever). I totally envy their styles of writing, in the sense that they always write about happy stuff. Why can’t I be exactly like them? Okay. Not that I want to be a follower for everything, whatsoever. But then again, I also do not want to be classified as too outstanding, weird and yes, too emo. Hah. Who cares right? It is me anyway.

Blogs are where individuals have the freedom of speech to write about anything and everything that, well, they feel like blogging. Even if they are happy, sad or frustrated on how their lives turned out to be, I think it is all right for them to express themselves. Without stating names or spouting vulgarities for every entry, it is perfectly fine. Hah. But like I said from my previous post, my life is an entertainment. Yes, people spread rumours and spread everything, from what they saw from my blog. I do not know why, but they are like waiting what I am going post next. Why the wait in anticipation? Sorry to put it this way, but they are totally dumbasses.

Anyway, I really appreciating my group of friends in class. It is like, we are slowly opening up with each other. And we crack each other up all the time, camwhore, gossip and listen to each other’s hearts pouring out from their mouths. And oh my god, I think I am typing crap now. But whatever. And it is time that we start motivating each other, especially when it comes to studying for tests, and doing assignments.

Personally, I think procrastination is really cool, especially when one is practically lazy to do something. Well, everyone is lazy duh. But yeah for me, I keep on procrastinating about doing my assignments, and in the end, I become extremely stressed out. And oh yeah, I think I need help badly. Psychologically that is. I hate myself for being absolutely uptight all the time, portraying my problems through my face, my body language tells it all and from the way I speak to others. Gosh.

My life is an entertainment. I had thought that it was longed over. But I was wrong. It is still never-ending that people continue talking everything about me. Worst still, the people who spread rumours as well as the truth about me are my enemies. How cool is that?

 

The blame game. Everyone loves blaming others, yet not themselves. And yes, I am guilty myself. Anyway, back to my life, I am seen as the culprit for everything. Whether it is my fault or otherwise, I am still being blamed. Why is it so? Is it because they are afraid to admit their own mistakes? Or are they just plain childish?

 

Well. In my point of view, my enemies are a group of idiotically childish individuals. My bad for labelling them as this. But it is just the truth. Unfortunately, their ages range from 18 – 22 years old. Still, they have not grow up. And they think that they are more matured than me? Who’s who now?

 

Ever since that incident happened, the other party had been influencing others into believing them thoroughly. I am absolutely disgusted with their behaviours. Not by the fact that they are influencing people, but because of different variations to a minor problem. Whatever it is, I am not going to tell others my side of the story. What is the point anyway? I have tried, but it fell on deaf ears. Twisting every word I had said, I had been counter-attacked by them. Seriously, I should really give them some credit for their tremendous efforts of paraphrasing whatever I had said.

 

Thinking that I am at the losing end, I really have a good laugh whenever I recalled about this incident again. I realised that they are at the losing end actually. It is really amusing. Furthermore, seeing them crawling back to gain back my trust & win my friendship, it is far than amusing.

 

I am not frustrated. I am not bothered by it anymore. Seriously speaking, I am moving on. But, whenever they treat me in a way that they should have not, that incident tends to haunt me over and over again. Also, I do not mind what they want to do with their own lives right now. One thing for sure, they are still not been forgiven for whatever they had done, and thinking that I am perfectly all right with them currently, they are totally wrong.

 

For now, I appreciate whom I had now. As in, friends. Never had it crosses my mind that I can mix with people whom I thought I would not initially. Perhaps that it is just an illusion that I am able to fit in into a group of popular people. Now, that is history. Friends will become enemies. But, enemies will not ever be considered by me as friends. I really enjoy the company of a group of people with colourful backgrounds and personalities. Those who appreciate who I am and who believe my side of the story. Not saying that I have successfully ‘influenced’ them, but they choose to befriend me. Thank you all of you. And not forgetting my classmates too.

 

Only time will tell. Then, I would be able to open up to others, telling people what really had happened. I am scarred by a betrayal caused by individuals whom I regretted knowing, and the other, hurt by people whom I once regard as close friends. All I can do now is tolerance.

My name is Nor Suryati Adnan. Believe it or not, I am nineteen years old. Moreover, yes, I somehow feel like I am out of place amongst my classmates. Perhaps because I am the oldest. Also, I kind of regret not enrolling into a polytechnic initially. Realising that I had wasted two years of my life in a Junior College, I decided to change my course of study. However, I am not going to be disheartened forever, instead, I will work harder in order to prove my worth of staying in the current course.

At present, I have never knew that my life is worth observing and watching by others around me. My life now is definitely a television drama, more or less. I have to admit though, life is definitely not as complicated as stereotypically defined as humans. But, it is our own faults who tend to make our lives pretty much haywire. Indeed, I am one of the guilty ones. Why?

Problems. As contradicting as I can get, I still could not understand why life seems so unfair, miserable and no offense, sucky. In my perspective, as an individual gets older, there should absolutely be lesser problems and he or she should be more sensible. Furthermore, one should be more matured, in one way or another, in the way he or she behaves as well as his or her mindset. Well, I was totally wrong. Again, I was taken aback by own wrong perception, as always that is.

Be it relationship problems with friends, family or problems with own self, every human being goes through the same thing every single day. What set us apart from the rest would be the different situation we are each in and how we face all the problems.

Me? Yes, I have plenty of problems. Problems which I cause upon myself and also those which others had caused me. Read on and you know what I mean.

Friends. What finely separates the difference between normal friends, just friends, best friends and close friends? This question has been bothering me all this while. I probably have some answers, but really, they do not really make sense to me even. Close friends would mean you are able to share everything under the sun with people.  Best friends would mean you are able to keep secrets, share anything and everything with people, right? Anyway, that is like pretty much the same isnt it? So it is more or less defeating the purpose of defining what each of them means. On the contrary, all of us have some stuff that we can never tell others. Be it the bloody pasts from our childhood, bad experiences, things that left us being traumatised, the real side of us or practically, just stuff. So, does that mean we still regard our friends as close or best despite all these secrets we’re hiding from them? Why all these contradictions right?

Sometimes I wonder, why must friends go through thick and thin together. What I really mean is that – is having a large group of friends equals to more problems, hatred, backstabbing, rumour-spreadings & gossips going on behind everybody’s backs? Undeniably, I am guilty of doing this too. I have never knew that my life now is like a television show drama and a comedy. How entertaining can my life be anyway? Due to only a minor problem, the situation can get into a quite major thing. There are alot of complications going on presently. What really makes me frustrated is that, more people wanting to know what really happened, and more individuals already knowing what happened between all of us. Everyone loves playing the blame game. However, why am I always to be blamed for everything, especially because of the misunderstandings between friends? They probably want to see me fall, not realising that they are the ones that are at the losing end right now.

Family. I tend to avoid being at home almost every single day. And yes, problems. But, more complicated than the problems I am having with my so-called peers. I still cannot move on. All that I am doig now is just putting on a strong front and forcing myself to forget about it, as reluctantly as I can. How traumatised one would be when one experiences something bad? Something that one would be hit without one expecting it to happen? Something that one would be hit due to the slightest mistake one had made? What if the traumatising incident leaves one to live in fear? What if one had to live in fear even in one’s own house? What if the traumatising incident keeps haunting one? Maybe I am overly exaggerating what had happened and how I am feeling aftermath. But, I really cannot face face them anymore, especially him. About her, I will not forgive her for whatever had happened.

Seriously, nobody knows the real me. Even I do not even know who exactly I am. Maybe I portray myself differently when I am with people and when I am at home. I have no idea why I have to be like this. Now, I feel that I am completely a different person. How do you know that you have change? Do experiences that affect you play a part in how how you might have changed all these years? Or some other possibilities? I do not even know if I have really changed or otherwise. I do not even know how much I have changed, how might I have changed and why I have changed. Change? For the better or for the worst? Probably you guys do not even know the answers yourselves. Maybe we just let it be this way.

I am stubborn. I prefer breaking all the rules. Conformity to the society is so not me. I am too extremely observant of my surroundings that I can leave anyone dumbfounded. I only listen to whatever advice which I feel is relevant.  There are alot of angst, resentment, unhappiness and regret inside of me. Stop continuously nag at or to me if you do not wanna be ignored for the rest of your life. Do not tell or force me to change. Adjust your life to accommodate to mine. I am absolutely frank with my actions and words. I will scream profanities at or to you if you are a constant annoyance in my life. I totally against the idea of searching for self – identity. I am not a bootlicker just to strive to the top. Invasion to my privacy will cause you to suffer. Superficiality towards those whom I despise. I am not an easily forgiving person. I absolutely believe in karma. My favourite hobby is putting on a facade in front of everybody else. Finally figured out that I am exactly not who I am supposed to be?

Trust. I urged everyone not to trust me anymore. Please. I am just not the right person that u can rely on. I have truly learnt bout my limitations and weaknesses from the beginning of this year and not going to repeat the same mistakes anymore. I am completely a different person right now. I do not even know who am I right now. I dare not to trust anyone too right now.

Words. Such powerful tool. People can be so manipulative with their words, twisting every single word, resulting in variations of stories just for one incident, in the end, being very influential on oblivious people.

Expectations. Everyone expects something from everyone else. Why? What is so good about expecting stuff from others? Be it good results, good life, good relationships and so on and so forth. Why? Why can’t all of us be contented and grateful for what we have? Everything has limitations. There is only so much all of us can do to make our lives better. So why must we do things to make others happy? Why cant we do things that will bring benefits to only ourselves & no one else? What is so good about fulfilling other people’s dreams and all you do is sulking, do things half-heartedly & in the end? Nothing good comes out from it. Everyone has choices. The main question is – will we ever make a good choice so that there’s no regret in the end or otherwise? We have a thing call the brain. So, use it and decide what you want in life. Decide for something that will not destroy your future entirely. Everyone has dreams. Regardless of how realistic or extremely far-fetched that dream is all about, what matters is that we strive to get what we want to achieve. Follow your heart, decide, follow your own instincts. Do not ever let others plan your life. You will just suffer badly.

At present, I am happy with my life. I am learning to move on. Also, I am starting to treasure the friends that I have now. Trust. I am trying my best to gain back the trust I have lost from the company that I have currently. I am able to see the big picture, observing what is going on and realise the strengths as well as weaknesses of almost everyone.